Beyond Mediation

Beyond Mediation - Part 5

Pages Available:

5. UNDERSTANDING THE NFH

“Understand him? We just want this proverbial pain in the wotsit to leave us alone. Why the hell should we understand him?”

Perhaps we should have written that title “Understanding the Behaviour of the NFH” but that kind of detracts from what we’re trying to achieve here. We want you to get inside your NFH’s mind and find out what makes him tick. As we hope you'll see, once you can do this, you’re well on the way to formulating a counter strategy against him. Things are going to get a bit technical from hereon in so go and have a break or make yourself a tea or coffee.

Ok, are we all sitting comfortably? Right then.

As we mentioned earlier we believe NFHs have what is known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or its close relative, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). And before anybody thinks “Oh, the poor NFH, with their disorder.” Let us reassure you that merely describes a pattern of behaviour. The NFH knows what they are doing is wrong and that they are causing you difficulties. However bear in mind that it is estimated that about 1% of the population has this disorder.

Chances are that most of them live next door to somebody else and you'll see why Neighbours From Hell are such a problem in our society. Sadly for us, the victims of the NFH, most of the resources on the internet relate to finding a treatment or providing an analysis of NPD. Occasionally there’s an article about those who have to live with NPD but it's rare to find anything to cover the likes of us. We care less about finding a cure for the NFH and more about how to stop them harassing us or at least, a way for us to handle it.

But lets have a look at the traits of those with NPD and see how many relate to your NFH.

  • Lying (the most common complaint about NPD)

  • Need for admiration

  • Lack of empathy - Impossible to overemphasise this

  • Always blame others for their problems

  • Exaggerated sense of self-importance

  • Talk about work, life, family as if no-one else exists

  • They are the “star”

  • They want your sympathy and admiration

  • Able to present a decent front

  • Live in their own little worlds

  • Everything they do has to be seen to be better than anybody else

  • Expect automatic compliance with their wishes

  • Use other people to get what they want

  • Envious of others or believe others are envious of them

  • Treat other people like dirt

  • They feel threatened and enraged by trivial disagreements, mistakes and misunderstandings

  • Contradict themselves in the same sentence

  • Have mastered the ability to construct a story to fit the available facts

Sounds familiar?

And the list goes on and on and on, but you’ve got the general picture by now.

This is where the Narcissistic side of things comes into play. They are transfixed by this “perfect” image of themselves, almost as if the real self doesn’t exist. As we'll see later, this can be used to your advantage.

Their ideas of themselves and the world don’t change with experience. They’re frozen at a vision of themselves when they were 16 or so; so when you’re wondering why your fifty something NFH seems to be behaving like a brattish or bitchy teenager, now you know why. Because that’s where they’re frozen. Its also been suggested that NPD can run in families and experience on NFHiB would seem to suggest that this is the case. So that’s why NFH problems will often be accompanied by their sons and daughters acting the same way as them.

However remember that your NFH needs to be worshipped so he will, over the years, have literally driven any sense of self out of those immediately around him, his family. They will have learnt that its far easier to give the NFH his narcissistic supply and bow to his every wish or whim. That, unfortunately, includes harassing you.

The lack of empathy is a key feature in understanding your NFH. They have no better side so trying to appeal to it is fruitless. Like many members of NFHiB, you probably ended up in a dispute over a trivial matter and cannot believe their casual dishonesty and cruelty so when you tried to reason with them you may have got angry. To the NFH this just justifies to them, why they are right to treat you as they do. With contempt. In discussions with normal people so much depends on the context and tone (now you know why so many chatrooms end up as flaming wars). NFHs don’t understand context, only the words. Morally they are at the stage of a 6 or 7 year old. The difference being that most 6 or 7 year olds grow out of it. Your NFH will not.

And so it goes on. If you want an in depth look then go here….

How to recognise a narcissist

…but by now we think you’ve got the general picture. See! We said you would need a cup of tea.

“But hold on NFHiB, I’m not being targeted by just one NFH, I’ve got a whole gang of them.”

Well this is also a typical NFH problem. It largely relates to the psychology of bullying. Go here if you want an in depth look at that.

BullyOnline

The situation is that your NFH will use their remarkable ability of presenting a decent front to other people and also use their ability to concoct a story from the available facts. They will also sound totally convincing. Ultimately though your NFH is a coward, and being frozen in time as a 16 year old with the morals of a 6 year old, they will think nothing of mobilising whatever people they can find to act against you. As bad as they are, doing this by themselves is not something they relish. They need their narcissistic supply of willing believers who will back them up.

Sadly, your NFH will know exactly which people to approach. It will be those who he knows will be gullible enough to believe what he tells him. And what his allies will be told is that you are the devil incarnate and it has been you causing all the trouble.

Simple question to ask your self is, if you were able to show 100% that it was your NFH who had caused the trouble and was lying, would the gang back off? We think it's likely that they would.

Another factor to consider is that your NFH will know full well that he needs to keep up a decent front to everyone else. This is why much of his behaviour will be carried out furtively and without witnesses. In fact his spell on others will be such that you'll probably be finding that he will be obsessed with conjuring up witnesses against you. He needs to be believed above all else. He will love getting eye contact with you and knowing that his antics are provoking a reaction. You, the NFH sufferer, are worthless to him and you aren’t fit to lick his shoes and he wants you to SEE that you KNOW it.

Your NFH will only be satisfied by seeing you totally and absolutely defeated. And he wants to see it. But don’t think that this would mean the end of the NFH problems. No sir. This would just make him worse. If he was hitting you and you said “Please stop, that hurts”. The NFH will turn around and do it again, only harder and, we’re practically quoting verbatim from the articles above, they'll be thinking “I’m a good person and I can do no wrong; therefore I didn’t hurt you and you are lying about it”.

If this is sounding pretty terrible, well, in a way its supposed to. But bear in mind that having an NFH is as nothing compared to living with one. To have to live with someone when you have no sense of self worth and can’t be seen to have sense of self is a living death in our opinion and pity the poor souls who have to live day in and day out with your NFH. Grim? Well yes it is, for them.

“Flippin’ heck NFHiB, this is all sounding a bit depressing. So he has a personality disorder that doesn’t sound as though he will ever be cured. So how does that help us?”

Hold on, hold on! You’re getting ahead of yourself. We'll get onto how this will help you later but lets have a look at some of the NFH/NPD weaknesses. Yes, yes you can rub your hands with glee if you want.

NFHs/NPDs are pathetic and naïve. No, they really are, despite their superficial appearance. They will gripe on and on for years about the same old thing. To the extent that others will be sick of hearing of it. In fact they’re so out of touch with what goes on that they are subject to exploitation and often won’t recognise when someone is making a complete fool of them. They’re also in love with the image of their ideal selves which we know doesn’t exist and they want to know that people adore them or in your case, be intimidated by them. NFH (we won’t keep putting NPD as well. You know what we mean), have a weird sense of time. They’re almost frozen. So they have a very poor memory. So when your NFH says one things and then later on says something completely contradictory, its not as though they’re lying.

They genuinely can’t remember. Even when they’ve written it down. They will often concoct a story about some events totally believing that it is the truth. That it was their ideal self who carried out the events exactly as they describe them. The real self being almost totally suppressed.

NFHs will also cling to authority figures as they know they don’t think very well so all of their opinions will be based on those they perceive to be knowledgeable on a subject. These people are also geniuses at “Come closer, so I can slap you”. If your NFH suddenly appears normal again, do NOT trust them. Ever! They’re softening you up for something else. Something really nasty.

NFHs also think that the rest of the world is like them except they’re honest and we are all hypocrites, in that the world will casually exploit them as much as they try to exploit you. The appearance that the NFH wants to give the rest of the world means everything to them as their self-hatred knows no bounds. Their real self, in their eyes, is totally suppressed and hidden away. They’re ashamed of their real life. They’re impulsive so they often don’t consider the possible consequences of their actions.

So. Do you think you now understand your NFH more and why they act the way they do? We hope you do because that leads us nicely onto the bits you’ve been waiting for. How to defend yourself against the NFH and how to fight back against the NFH.

We’re hoping now that you’re seeing your NFH with a veil having been lifted exposing all the greasy cogs and workings underneath. Or maybe you’re visualising that evil power source of the NFH we mentioned earlier. A swirling mass throwing out tentacles which embrace others to engage in their revolting behaviour or trying to exterminate others by spitting out its venom. But we’ve spent enough time analysing these specimens. Now the innermost workings of your NFH have been exposed, its time for us to throw a few spanners in his works.